Control issues

Caring for my parents has revealed that I have some control issues. I feel that I am in control. I know, from reading my Bible and several books about the Bible, that I am not really in control. God is in control of everything. I admitted that I was broken and asked God to please fix me. It hasn't worked so far.

This morning, dad decided to go out front and rake some leaves. I must have checked on him three times in fifteen minutes. I lack faith and I don't trust God. My head understands that I am not in control, but my gut won't let me turn loose.

When he came back in, dad was concerned because mom was asleep in the chair. I had placed a pillow beside her head so that, when she fell asleep and leaned to the right, she wouldn't hit her head on the desk or lean over too far and get a stiff neck. Dad decided that she needed to be awake so he began rocking her chair. She was startled awake and spoke out fairly loudly, but she was awake. As she began to doze off again, dad reached over and tapped her face, saying, "Wake up Darlin'; wake up." He tired of this fairly quickly and shuffled over to his chair, flopped down, and reclined.

This is a lot of information, detailing about twenty minutes of the day, but the point is that I continue to act like I'm in control, when I'm really not. As Steven Curtis Chapman once said, "God is still God and I'm still not."

This continues to be a difficult lesson for me, and I'm still working on it. I don't know if I'll ever really learn it this side of heaven, but I'm open to the Holy Spirit's direction and willing to follow where He leads.

Misery

Really feel awful today. The most negative I've been in a really long time. Don't want to continue to struggle. Ready to give up on life. I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything. I feel that my whole life has been a waste. Who have I touched? What lives have I changed? What good am I? I wish the LORD would take me home. I don't want to be here anymore. All those who depend on me would be better off without me. I would get to spend time in Heaven, basking in the glory of the LORD. What could be better than that?

LORD, please help me to get past this depression. I know that you love me. I know that you have positive plans for me. Why can't I just accept that in faith and enjoy what I have in peace. Jesus said he came to provide us an abundant life. My life doesn't feel very abundant. I'm not blaming God. It's my fault. I lack faith. I can't or won't trust. God PLEASE HELP ME!

Living the Christian life

This Week's Sermon Outline

I like this song.

Daily drudge

The day started out pretty slow. I woke up early and was able to take a short walk before getting mom up. I had a shower and shaved and then spent some time on the net (email, facebook, etc) and then got mom up for her morning routine. She was in a good mood today, eyes open , looking around, talking. Coffee and juice were enjoyable, no fuss, no fight.

I decided to read more in Sande's _Peacemaker_; this is a really good book and I'd like to get through it. I had plans to have the oil changed in my car and run some errands, but Tonya called about 8:30 to say that she would be late because of some problems at her child's school. Carol got to the house around 10:30 (I read Sande's book and took some notes while I was waiting).

Once we got mom settled I took off to take care of errands. First stop was Red's hardware for an extra key for Cory and a padlock for the back door. Then I went to the tax office, but it wasn't there any more. They had closed this office and the nearest open office was in South Pasadena, past the beltway, so I decided to head up to UH to see if I could talk to Felix about a job, but he wasn't there. It looked like a water haul for the day, but I decided to take a run out to the tax office to see if I could get my registration problems fixed. It's a pretty good drive from the UH to Spencer Highway past Red Bluff, but I finally made it out there.

The line at the tax office wasn't very long and, when I got to the front I explained that I had waited late to mail in my registration fees and that, although I had a copy of the canceled check that was deposited on the first, I still didn't have my registration sticker. The lady at the office was understanding and really nice. She printed out another copy of the registration sticker and didn't charge me anything for it - just asked that I bring the other one back to the office if I received it in the mail. I left there feeling as though I'd finally accomplished something.

I was headed to Starbucks on Spencer to grab some Caramel Macciato and a blueberry muffin when I decided to drop in at Schlotzky's and try out their wi-fi. I ordered a turkey sandwich plate and sat down to tune in to the internet but I never could get connected. Needless to say, I was somewhat disappointed. Just FYI, if you're in Pasadena, don't stop at the Scholtzky's on Spencer if you expect to connect to the internet. I took some pictures so you'll recognize the place if I can get them to download to this computer. The sandwich was really good, though.

I drove on over to the library to record all this stuff. I've got to make some adjustments to my day-planner and then I'll head home to work on the back door.

Quitting

I'm sitting at Starbucks, learning to make use of the wireless internet available at different places. I quit my job effective last Friday and I quit smoking effective Friday night at 10 PM, so now I have to find ways to occupy my time and to save money. If I disconnect my internet at home, I can use the wi-fi available at a lot of places around town: the library, starbucks, schlotzky's, etc. I'm looking for other places that are available.

The library is comfortable and fairly quiet. Starbucks is cold, I'm sitting right under an AC vent and it's blowing full blast. It's so cold I'm shivering. The smart thing to do would be to move to another spot, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone.

Ah, that's better. Now the AC vent is only blowing on my left elbow.

After I quit smoking I spent most of the first three days at home. I could lay down and go to sleep if the cravings got really hard. It was a holiday weekend anyway, so I really needed to stay at home and look after Mom & Dad. I have some more freedom today because we have caregivers at the house with them.

I really need to develop a plan for my days. The Franklin-Covey planner on this computer should help with that but, as usual, I'm putting things off. I need to develop a mission statement and work on some goals and roles and values.

Too cold in here. must move on!

happiness & fulfillment

I'm working through some questions that are supposed to help me formulate a mission statement for my life and I'm stumped by the very first question:
What are my greatest moments of happiness and fulfillment???????
I'm trying and I can't think of any moments of happiness and fulfillment. I look around and I'm happy when my kids and grand-kids are doing okay. I've been happy at work, but not lately. I don't feel fulfilled because I don't really think I'm doing what God wants me to do. All of this says to me that I really need to make some changes in my life. I need to find the things that provide happiness and fulfillment: those things that God desires for me and that glorify God.
So, how do I answer the question? It seems that the question simply generates more questions. Maybe that's the purpose of a good question. Josh Hunt says good questions generate discussion, but I'm not looking for a teaching tool here, I'm looking for direction for my life - where am I headed? - what fulfills me? - what makes me happy? - what do I want to accomplish? I seem to be stuck here and this is when I would normally step outside for a cigarette to get my thoughts in order, but I've quit smoking now, so what do I do when I'm stuck. What a mess!
God - I need Your help here. I need You to show me the direction You want me to go. Do I write? Do I look for a part-time job? Help me to define my roles in life and to maximize those roles while glorifying You. Lets work through this:
Roles-
Christian
As a Christian I should glorify God and strive to be more like Jesus. I should live my life in such a way that God's love overflows into the world and causes the world to desire to have the love of God in their lives.
Father
As a father I need to provide a godly example to my children. It is my responsibility to pray for their well-being and for their continued growth toward a more Christlike life. Since all my children are adults, I need to support them when they walk a righteous path and gently restore them when they stray from that path. I should not behave in a way that exasperates my children but should teach them with gentleness.
Son
As a son it is my responsibility to honor my parents. I have the rare opportunity to care for my parents in their old age. I must treat them with respect and do all in my power to maintain their dignity.
Employee?
My responsibility to my employer is to provide the work they desire and to work as if laboring for Christ.

Maybe I can change the question and make a little progress -
What do I believe would cause me the greatest happiness and fulfillment?

Mom

Mom's in a really good mood this morning. She's been singing and talking and swinging her hands. She seems really happy. One of the sad things about the long term dimension of her illness is that we tend to forget how she was before she became ill. I can't remember her any way other than the way she is now. I can't remember the things she talked about before she became mentally incapacitated. So today is a good day. She is really enjoying herself.

We put some magazines on the table and she has played with them for two days. She just picks them up and thumbs through them and shakes them. She seems to get some enjoyment from this and they are just junk mail magazines - a brochure from San Jacinto college, an Avon catalog. It doesn't take much to keep her satisfied.

Right now she is just talking away. We can't understand what she is talking about but she seems happy. A while ago she said something and then just busted out laughing. We couldn't help but join her, so we all had a good laugh. We didn't know what we were laughing about, but we were laughing along with her. I wish I had had my camera handy. We don't get many opportunities to catch her laughing out loud like that. I hope today continues to be a good one for her.

Joy

"This is the day that the LORD has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Joy is an emotion we don't experience much, and that is a shame. We should be joyful every day because we have been rescued from sin by Jesus' sacrifice.

Joy is:

1. a deep feeling or condition of happiness or contentment (online)
Paul says we are to "Rejoice in the LORD always." Then to emphasize his point he continues with, "I will say it again, rejoice!" Instead of focusing on this command we tend to focus on the negative. It takes an intense exercise of self-discipline to keep ourselves focused on joy. We should be thankful for all of our blessings and yet our thoughts tend to remain on negative things. We see negativity all around us but, as Christians, we are to experience these things in the light of eternity. We have an eternal future filled with joy, the joy of being in the presence of Jesus forever. We are to be a light to the world as an example of Jesus' love. What could be more positive?

Our joy in the face of all obstacles should be an example that causes the world to question us about our hope. Peter tells us to always be "ready to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you..." Joyful living gives us the opportunity to present a witness of the power of God in our lives.

Rejoice!

LORD, help me today to experience Your joy, to focus on Your joy, to wallow in Your joy. You made this day for me. Help me to rejoice and be glad in it.

Caregiving

I wrote quite a lot on the paradox of caregiving in a different venue yesterday. I may post that here once I'm finished.

Caring for one's loved ones is paradoxical. On the one hand we feel blessed that our loved ones (my parents in this case) are still around for us to see and interact with. On the other hand, the role of caregiver takes so much out of us. It's difficult to see on which side the balance lays.

Procrastination

I simply find it impossible to discipline myself to write every day. I take notes in my notebook and don't follow up with stories about the things I am noting. I sit and stare at my computer, bored, and don't come to this page to write. Why can't I develop self-discipline? There are many things I could write about. Thoughts whirl through my head and stay there. I don't write, I think about writing.

A story:
I can imagine the things going through my dad's head.
"They took away my van because they think I can't drive. I really hate that they don't think I can do the things I want to do. They continually interfere in my life. They tell me what to do and are offended when I get mad about it. I am mad. I can still do things. I'm useful. I know a lot of things. They just think I'm a useless old man. I refuse to let them take over my life!

"Those dogs are always barking. One of them bit me when I put my hand over the fence trying to clean the junk off of it. I'll get them though. I've got my sticks and my clubs. I'll just walk along the fence and poke at them when they run up, barking. I had a ladder that I used to get up high enough on the wooden fence to poke over and get those dogs but my neighbor stole it. He was the last one who saw me using it and now it is gone. I know he stole it. He really doesn't like me, but I don't care. I'm going to get those dogs.

"I'm so tired all the time. I shuffle when I walk. I stumble and fall. What is happening? But I won't let this get me down. I've always taken care of myself and I can take care of myself now."

It's sad to live the last part of your life angry. I've seen dad more angry more often in the last six months than in my entire life. It's difficult to understand the reason for his anger. I think it may be because he his losing control of his life and he really resents it. He's always been so self-sufficient and able to care for himself. It must be very frustrating to lose that sense of self-sufficiency.

Blocked

I don't know what to write about today. I'm stuck. I did some more research on dementia over the weekend and found that we can develop something called a "cognitive reserve" that appears to alleviate the symptoms of dementia for a time. Studies show that those who are more active intellectually develop this cognitive reserve. So I need to continue to exercise my brain.

The brain is one of those organs that need continual stimulation. "Use it or lose it" is an appropriate phrase applied to the brain. I have been afraid for a long time that if I don't continue to stimulate my brain I will begin to lose function. I mentioned before that I've begun to forget words and I have this weird switching of "b's" and "p's" when I type. These symptoms concern me. So I need to exercise. How does one exercise one's brain? I think I'll buy the GRE vocabulary cards today and start working with those. I need to read things that challenge me while continuing to read for pleasure. My work is not intellectually stimulating, so I need to do these things on my off time. I need to watch less TV and spend more time exercising my brain. I really need to discipline myself to get these things done.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
Henry David Thoreau

Tuesday's with Morrie

I'm reading Tuesday's again on my Kindle. I didn't know that you could highlight and make notes in books on Kindle until today so I'm highlighting the things I find important (and there are a lot of them) and making notes and bookmarks. I'll have to learn later how to retrieve the bookmarks and notes but for now I'm just feverishly making highlights and notes. This book is so important. There are so many lessons to learn. How do we live? What makes our lives important? Why should we be afraid of death? How do we respond to death? So many questions, and Morrie has so many answers.

Right now, mom and dad are dying. They don't look like they are dying (but really, we are all dying). Mom is sitting at the breakfast table, steadily talking to no one. Dad is sleeping in his chair. We became worried about dad's increasing anxious behavior and the hospice nurse had the doctor prescribe Seroquel to calm him down. He had his first dose today and it has just knocked him out. I'm hoping that he will become more accustomed to it and will eventually be able to take it and still function, albeit with less bizarre behavior.

I watched a slide presentation on the internet today about the effects of Alzheimer's on the brain. I had no idea how devastating this disease was to the health of the brain. The Alzheimer's patient's brain literally shrivels up over time. This is caused by the death of the nerve cells in the brain; those nerve cells that transmit information to the body. It's really scary.

Ran out of time

I will not be able to post here today because I ran out of time. I should be able to post a long message tomorrow.

Dementia

I'm still doing research on dementia causes and prevention. One website says there is no way to prevent dementia but there are ways to delay its onset and to alleviate its effects. Aging seems to be the primary factor in the onset of dementia. We can't prevent our growing older. As we age, our brains seem to lose the ability to process information with the same facility that we have when we are younger. Mental and physical exercise seem to delay the effects of dementia. One study finds a correlation between low education level and an increased risk for dementia. This would seem to correspond to the assertion that mental exercise delays the onset and alleviates the symptoms of dementia.

My personal experience with my parents is revealing. Mom's onset was sudden and severe. She became paranoid and began to have hallucinations. We had her examined by a neurologist who said that she had had a series of TIA's which caused the symptoms she was experiencing. Her disease progressed rapidly until she was unable to connect meaningfully with the world. She talks to people who are not here and most of her conversations are unintelligible. After her surgery for colon cancer we placed her in hospice care at home. Because of the Medicare restrictions for hospice patients we were unable to continue to obtain any medication that directly treated her dementia and her symptoms increased. She requires around the clock care and cannot perform any necessary daily routines for herself. She cannot feed herself, she is incontinent of urine and must be placed on a potty chair daily to evacuate her bowels. As Morrie says in Tuesdays..., she has reached the point where someone has to wipe her a..

dementia

I'm looking for statistics to show the relationship between dementia and occupation but these statistics are hard to find. Alz.org reports on a study that claims the risk factors for contracting Alzheimers are education, income, and race. People with lower education and lower income are more likely to contract Alzheimers. Hispanics and African-Americans are more likely to contract Alzheimers. I need to do more research on preventive measures. I'll see if there is more information on Alz.org.

I believe (and this is just speculation on my part) that those who exercise their mind are less likely to have dementia. I've noticed that professors (unless they contract some disease like pancreatic cancer) tend to live fairly long and productive lives. This also deserves more research.

Listening

Do you find your mind wandering when you're having a conversation with someone? I don't really pay complete attention to others when we're talking. I'm thinking about how I'll respond, or some problem I'm having, or a TV show I recently saw. Morrie (Tuesdays with Morrie) says that the problem with most relationships is that people don't listen to each other. We need to give the other our complete attention. People notice that we're really not paying attention. This happens a lot in marriages, but we mostly aren't paying attention when people talk to us. This causes the other to feel unimportant. I'm going to make it my business to pay attention in the future. I've been trying this lately and it's really hard. My mind seems to race all the time and I find it really difficult to give someone my full attention.

Morrie also says that we shouldn't be afraid to express our emotions. He says we should embrace them (both negative and positive). If we embrace the negative emotion we begin to recognize it as a negative emotion. Then we can deal with it and be done with it. If we avoid the negative emotion it never becomes resolved. We're stuck (Morrie was a smart guy). If we don't deal with negative emotions like fear and anger and anxiety we continue to be stuck in these emotions.

So my tasks for this week are to listen and to embrace my emotions. Sounds like I've got a busy week ahead.

Embracing our emotions

I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie. It's a really inspiring book but it doesn't really help me understand what's going on with dad. Morrie is dying from ALS and has full access to his mental capacities. This disease results in the loss of control of the muscles, starting from the legs and moving up. Dad suffers from dementia. He still has adequate control of his bodily functions but dementia steals the mind. He started by being more forgetful and the disease is progressing. He has some erratic behaviors (tormenting the neighbors' dogs). But he's still proud.

I think I got my inferiority complex from dad. He was a younger member of a very large family and he really never got the support he needed. He has always overcompensated for a perceived sense that he was inferior to others. He worked really hard to succeed and he was successful. He didn't finish school yet he successfully operated different businesses for most of his life. He would probably still be working if he weren't afflicted with dementia. He wants, needs, to work - to accomplish things, yet his disease limits his ability to perform. He tries to push forward as he always has but he just doesn't have the tools he needs to get where he wants to go and this increases his feeling of inferiority. We have some ideas for projects he can work on and I hope we can put some of these into place soon.

From my notebook

3/30
I have an increasing concern about the issue of dad's safety vs. his sense of autonomy. Hospice is trying to force him into a more sedentary lifestyle which flies in the face of his need to feel of some importance. I need to come up with some safe projects that will allow him to maintain a sense of importance.

3/31
I need to be more patient with people - more understanding. I find myself becoming impatient with drivers who aren't driving like I want them to. I was impatient with the car in front of me at Jack-in-the-Box this morning because they paused in front of the menu to decide what they wanted to order. Why can't they be like me? I already know what I want.

I like the spring time. Flowers are blooming, trees are budding. It's really beautiful when you take the time to notice.

It'll be nice at work when the oleanders and honeysuckle start blooming.

Really random thoughts

A lot of emphasis is being placed on the social dimensions of many of our behaviors. I was sitting in Dr. Sack's office and there was a blurb on CNN Health about the social dimensions of weight gain. I appears that hanging out with people who are gaining weight is contagious!

Waiting room magazines are not intellectually stimulating. I am waiting for an X-Ray at Memorial Hermann imaging. The magazine selection includes: People, Sports Illustrated, Texas Highways, and others of the same sort. I guess Dr.'s think that this mindless junk takes your mind off the fact that you are usually waiting a long time for a short procedure. You'd think they would put some puzzle books or something that would actually occupy your mind in the waiting rooms instead of stuff that doesn't really challenge.

Dad fell again today and hurt his arm. He's becoming more unstable. He won't use his walker but prefers the cane and sometimes doesn't use it. The aid says we must be more vigilant with him but I don't want to restrict his freedom any more than it already is. I wish I could understand what's going on in his mind. I bought a Kindle copy of Tuesdays with Morrie, hoping this will help me understand. I'll report more later.

I like the idea of noting thoughts in my notebook during the day but I never seem to have time to write anything when I'm at work. I need to work on that.

Time is short

This is not exactly what I had in mind when I committed to write every day. I have 5 minutes before I need to leave for a Dr.'s appointment and that's not much time to write anything. I learned that Texas received 30% of her budget from federal funds in 2009. This percentage has been steadily decreasing since 2004. More later