Control issues

Caring for my parents has revealed that I have some control issues. I feel that I am in control. I know, from reading my Bible and several books about the Bible, that I am not really in control. God is in control of everything. I admitted that I was broken and asked God to please fix me. It hasn't worked so far.

This morning, dad decided to go out front and rake some leaves. I must have checked on him three times in fifteen minutes. I lack faith and I don't trust God. My head understands that I am not in control, but my gut won't let me turn loose.

When he came back in, dad was concerned because mom was asleep in the chair. I had placed a pillow beside her head so that, when she fell asleep and leaned to the right, she wouldn't hit her head on the desk or lean over too far and get a stiff neck. Dad decided that she needed to be awake so he began rocking her chair. She was startled awake and spoke out fairly loudly, but she was awake. As she began to doze off again, dad reached over and tapped her face, saying, "Wake up Darlin'; wake up." He tired of this fairly quickly and shuffled over to his chair, flopped down, and reclined.

This is a lot of information, detailing about twenty minutes of the day, but the point is that I continue to act like I'm in control, when I'm really not. As Steven Curtis Chapman once said, "God is still God and I'm still not."

This continues to be a difficult lesson for me, and I'm still working on it. I don't know if I'll ever really learn it this side of heaven, but I'm open to the Holy Spirit's direction and willing to follow where He leads.

Misery

Really feel awful today. The most negative I've been in a really long time. Don't want to continue to struggle. Ready to give up on life. I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything. I feel that my whole life has been a waste. Who have I touched? What lives have I changed? What good am I? I wish the LORD would take me home. I don't want to be here anymore. All those who depend on me would be better off without me. I would get to spend time in Heaven, basking in the glory of the LORD. What could be better than that?

LORD, please help me to get past this depression. I know that you love me. I know that you have positive plans for me. Why can't I just accept that in faith and enjoy what I have in peace. Jesus said he came to provide us an abundant life. My life doesn't feel very abundant. I'm not blaming God. It's my fault. I lack faith. I can't or won't trust. God PLEASE HELP ME!